return to setlists page BOOTY BOOTS MONLOLOGUES by Pete Pidgeon All of these stories were made up on the spot by Pete Pidgeon for the story section of his original tune "Booty Boots." All stories copyright 2008 by Pete Pidgeon. 02/24/07 Oasis Cafe: New Paltz, NY So you know, I was at the diner last night, just layin' back, you know, tryin to chill after a long day, and kind of hungry for suh'm... suh'm good n' greesy but wanted to follow it off with a nice desert. So, lookin' at the menu, tryin' to find somethin' that i really wanna eat and really wanna finish off the day with. I finished it... it was gonna be a banana split. So my girlfriend Julie happened to be workin' the bar that night. I asked her if she would get me a banana split. She said, "Well, I'm only the... only person on duty so I might need a little help with that, and..." Yeah, exactly. So anyway, I figure this is gonna be a nice old banana split: throw a banana in the pot, some ice cream, fuckin' eat it and go home, you know? I didn't know what a banana split was, so... We go out there and first you gotta take a plate and ya put it down. Then you take banana and you take all of its clothes off. It's better if it's a frozen banana so it's gettin' hard when you put it down on the plate. And you throw those clothes in the garbage 'cause you don't need the skin on that banana anymore. Just get rid o' that shit. Now that you got a naked banana on the plate you can fill it in a little bit too. You grab a can o' whip cream and you cover that entire banana with as much whip cream as your can can stand. Yeah, exactly Kurt. That's what I'm talkin' about. And you shake that can. And you shake it and you get all that cream out of that can all over that banana. And then there's one last step to make a really good banana split. That's the topping. Yeah, there's only one topping that belongs on a banana split. You know what that is? You need a big ol' cherry on top. But first... first you gotta pop it out of the bottle. You know what I'm, sayin'? You pop that cherry right out the bottle right on top of that whip cream-covered banana. And I tell ya, that's one hell of a banana split. And you know why I got that banana split? And why it was so good? And why I got that made for me? Why? Why?! 'Cause I was wearin' my boots, that's why!! And you know what? Next time you wear your boots and you go out to College Diner for some banana split you'll be poppin' some cherries too!!! You know why?!!! (unintelligible). And this is how that banana split sounded: guitar solo begins 11/26/05 Tower Ridge Country Club: Simsbury, CT coming soon... 11/19/05 Oasis Cafe: New Paltz, NY So this is actually the second night... the second night in a row I've had the fortune of playin Pac Man on the gig. Got a high score tonight... Pretty proud of it. Y'all wanna try and fuck with that, go ahead... It's right over there. Get to the invisible level. We'll see what you can do. But anyway, after two nights, of checkin out both Ms. Pac Man and Pac Man, I realized what an incredibly phallic game that in fact is. I was playin Ms. Pac Man last night. Sittin there... I've got this big, red joystick in my hand. I'm grippin it real tight, right? I got the thing right up in my crotch cause that's where you get the best grip. You know what I'm sayin? And there I am. Ms. Pac Man's runnin all up around the screen. The object of the game is to put as much in her mouth as possible. You're throwin pellets in her mouth... And best of all, she eats a magic pellet. She eats the ghosts. She even gets points for that. Puts them ghosts right up in her mouth... Gives it a nice chew... Yeah, those ghosts don't even know what hit 'em. And she's lookin sexy too. You know they couldn't get too P.C. on that. You never see Ms. Pac Man and Pac Man in the same game. You know it would just be trouble. You know what they do when they go in that little cave on the side of the game. Ms. Pac Man, Pac Man disappearing in the side... You don't see 'em for a little while. You wonder what's happenin in there. Somethin special. So anyway, I'm playin the game. I'm runnin around the board. I'm movin the joystick left; I'm movin it right. Movin it left, movin it right... I'm hittin that button. And all of a sudden, out comes this one, giant ghost out of the middle of the screen. And this was some crazy-ass Ms. Pac Man I'd never played before. Ms. Pac Mac had this big-ass gun, right? Object of this part of the game was to shoot this ghost... I didn't know. So I'm sittin there. I'm shootin a little bit, shootin a little bit. I don't quite get what's goin on. Then I realize I'm startin to get points the more I shoot it. So I start hittin that button real hard. Start hittin that button harder and harder... Maneuverin that joystick... And I'm holdin it real hard... And all of a sudden... So all of a sudden I'm hittin it - 75, 85, 95, 96, 99 times... On the hundredth hit, all of a sudden, this big ghost... I just keep hittin it real hard! All of a sudden, the ghost goes BOOOOOOOM and just blows up real hard!! Then, all of a sudden, WE HIT IT!!! chorus begins It just blew up all over the screen!! YEAH! And the bartender had to come over and wipe it off. It was a pretty ugly scene. But she was kind of cute and this is what happened. It went like this: guitar solo begins 11/18/05 Reel Bar: Allston, MA You know, this kind of reminds me of when I was a little kid. I used to come home from school and turn on my Atari 2600 and sit back for a good three and a half hours. I'd get home around three o'clock, maybe two thirty, crack open a fresh two liter of Stop and Shop orange soda and a box of Cheeze-Its. I'd throw on the tv and and put the Galaga cartridge in. It wouldn't always work right away so you'd have to turn the power and off and on and off and on and off until it worked. This was back when I was in fourth grade, right around 1984 (really 1987). You all might be too young to know what the fuck I'm talking about. Nate knows what I'm talking about, right? Yeah. So anyway, I was getting ready to saddle up to the tube and put the joystick right up between my legs where I could get the best grip. Right up in the crotch between my legs, where I could hold it nice and tight. So I'd wedge it right in there and get a good hold on the joystick so my aim was solid. I'd squeeze it real hard and get ready to play. Now in the game, you've got to dodge the planes that are flying at you - Eric knows what I'm talkin about. Soundman Eric Oliver begins a game of Galaga on the screen behind the bar. So you can see, there's ships comin at you from all directions in formations and you've got to get out of their way or you'll get killed. So anyhow, as the game progresses, you have to face the mothership. And you need to shoot the mothership down in order to survive. So there I am in my house, ready to face the mothership. I'm running back and forth across the screen, left to right, left to right and movin that joystick all around spastically. And then I begin shooting as fast as I can and as much as I can right at the mothership. I keep shooting and shooting and shooting until finally the mothership EXPLODES! - ALL OVER THE SCREEN! The reception went hazy for a minute and then came back and the fire button broke through and the joystick ripped off of the controller in my hand!!! The mothership was blown to pieces and I had racked up the highest score ever obtained in the history of Galaga!! No one has ever even come close to that record. Now you can try and you might just beat it but only if you're wearin' those boots, those Booty Boots. So next time you sit down for a game of Galaga, make sure you've got those boots on and you may have a chance. So we're gonna tell you about it right now. Put 'em on!! 11/11/05 Red House: Roxbury Crossing, MA Yeah. So this whole story kind of reminds me… See, we had this bass player named Wu. He called me up earlier today and he like "Yeah, man. I can do the gig." Well, here’s what went down. I don’t know if y’all know this. I don’t even really know this yet. But, he was hangin out, down in Chinatown ‘bout an hour ago. And he’d been datin this 48 year old woman, and man, she was not that hot. But you know Wu – he’ll take what he can get. So, he was hangin out down in Chinatown. She asked him for a ride. He gave her a ride home. And man, it was not what Wu was countin on. Let me just tell you, there was a crowbar involved, seven pints of vodka, and three, midget, Asian hookers. And man, I would love for the bass player to be here tonight, but, you put all that together… If I was with seven, midget, Asian hookers right now, I would definitely be… man in crowd yells "Asian hookers! Yeah!" My man knows what I’m talkin about. My man was with seven Asian hookers last night. He knows what it’s all about. So, anyway, back to the story. So, Wu’s in a taxi cab right? He’s rollin along. He thinks he’s goin to some house party and he’s gonna be fine. Taxi cab driver pulls the taxi cab over to the side of the road and is like, "Hey, wait a minute. Are you Wu?" He’s like, "Yeah, my name’s Wu." He’s like, "We’re gonna have to get down to something real quick." Wu didn’t know what he was in for. So the taxi cab driver gets out of the front seat, takes Wu, puts him into handcuffs, throws him in the trunk of the car, and mercifully rapes him until he’s uncontrollably cumming all over the trunk. crowd groans in disgust Disgusting story, I’m just tellin you how it is. I’m not makin this up. I’m really not makin this up. So... someone in the crowd yells, "Ricky." Yeah. Ricky. Actually Ricky had this happen last week. Ricky’s had this happen several times so he knows what it’s about. Anyway, Wu gets trapped in the taxi cab. Wu’s actually here tonight but he’s back there pukin behind this wall right now. He had a really difficult evening so, we’ve got Mr. Kurt Schellenberg on the bass here tonight. Kurt has never played bass in his life. Nor does he know how to play any musical instrument. He just picked it up. I told him how to play this bassline he’s playin for you guys right now. And it sounds pretty tight, right? So I want y’all to get down a little bit tonight, feel the groove. Give Kurt some support ‘cause we’re gonna be rockin out here for about an hour and who knows what’s gonna happen, so… The only way that’s gonna happen is if you keep your boots on. So keep them boots on. You might get laid. You might just have to dance. Well, we’re gonna tell you about it right now. So keep them boots on. Alright? 11/05/05 Solstice Cafe: Boston, MA Oh, yeah. Y’all feelin that? Y’all feelin deep in the groove? You know it kind of reminds me… When I was a little kid… I was maybe six, maybe seven years old… Used to go down to breakfast in the mornin... Mom would have the cereal bowl laid out. Eat some Wheaties, some Rice Krispies, maybe if I was lucky some Count Chocula, you know... Just doin the breakfast thing… She’d always lay out for me the little people pills. You know what I’m talkin about, the Flintstone vitamins? The purple ones, the green ones, always in the shape of some character… I was partial to Wilma but maybe that’s just me. They got me the vitamin C none the less. It kind of takes me back to the day when I’d take a sip of water, put that glass of water right up against my lips, and mmmmm, that water tasted so good… Yeah. I’d just tip that glass up nice and slow. Hold up. Pete grabs his beer Just like this – Y’all can do this with me right? Just put it up on your mouth, put it back real slow… Pete leads the crowd as he takes a sip. Mmmmm. And just let that drip into your mouth. So, it reminds me of when I was seven. Fill up my mouth with a good bunch of water… I wasn’t drinkin beer at the time. And I’d take that vitamin, I’d open my mouth REAL big, and I’d put that vitamin ALL the way in my mouth. crowd hoots and hollars I’m talkin about ALL the way in so I could feel it in the back of my throat, right? Feel that vitamin going right back, deep in the throat… Take another sip of that water… Mmmmm. Man those Flintstones vitamins was good. And then I’d swallow REAL hard. Make sure that vitamin went ALL the way down into the stomach. Know what I’m talkin about? Anyway, it went: Pete slides his strings across his mic stand like a slide, increasing in pitch. Right down in there... And that’s how me and Wilma got to be friends. That’s why I love Wilma the best. I don’t know what your favorite vitamin was, but damn she was sexy. I didn’t know what sex was at the time, but man, me and Wilma was getting it on real hard. I had no idea. And the only reason is – she had boots. You look REAL close at that vitamin pill, she’s got BIG sexy boots on… She was wearin them Booty Boots. We’re about to put ‘em on right now. We’re about to put them boots on. You can feel how it sounds. Alright! 10/22/05 Zeitgeist Gallery: Cambridge, MA So the other day, I was rollin around town, wanted to go out and get a sandwich. Figured I’d stop on down by Micky D’s - just get an apple pie. Not gonna eat their burgers. So I’m out there on the bench, and who should I meet, but Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald sitting right there next to me on the bench. So I’m sittin there, eating my apple pie. I was like, "Ron, what brings you here man? You could be anywhere right now. You’re a pretty popular guy." He said he was havin a house party. He moved into town. He just moved down to Roxbury. Said things were getting a little rough for him uptown, runnin low on cash, had to find some new digs. So, he said he had some friends comin through. Lo and behold, the Hamburgler rolled up and he was lookin pretty shabby too – his hat was off to one side, he had some holes in the top of it. He was only wearin one shoe and he only had one patty instead of two up in his head. I was like, "Yo, it’s tough times, huh?" "Tough times." "Yeah." They were really hittin some tough times. And just as we were talkin about that, Grimace rolled up And Grimace, Grimace is usually a pretty big guy. He’s got some heft to him. He usually comes in about 220, 230. He was down to about a buck ten. He looked like he was… he hadn’t eaten in a long, long time. In fact, I think the Hamburgler had given him his extra patty to keep him goin, you know? So things weren’t lookin so good. We’re hangin out there. We’re all pretty hungry. We’re all pretty desperate, and who should come along but Bob’s Big Boy. He pimps up… he drives up in his big Cadillac. He’s got girls in the back, he’s got milkshakes, he’s got it all. He’s livin that life, you know? All of a sudden, the guys got a little depressed about that. They weren’t really feelin Bob’s Big Boy. But Bob’s, he invited them all a ride down to the shelter so that they cold get back home. It was actually kind of a fun ride because we stopped along the way. We saw Wendy from Wendy’s sittin on the side of the road. She was just kind of hangin out. So we picked her up. And she said, "You know what? I got a party goin on downtown." So we went down there, and sure enough, it was all the Wendy’s we could eat. I didn’t know I was gonna have that kind of day. Nor did I know Roxbury was pimpin that hard. But, now you know. You always feelin down on your luck? Go down to Blue Hill Ave. and just sit there. Wait for Bob’s Big Boy to roll up. You know you’re gonna have a time. But you know they won’t pick you up… they won’t pick you up unless you’re wearin your boots. You gotta be wearin them Booty Boots. Otherwise they ain’t gonna pick ya up. So I want y’all to put on your Booty Boots so if you see that car rollin up, you know he ain’t gonna pass you by. So put on your Booty Boots! Put em on! 10/08/05 Matt Murphy's Pub: Brookline, MA Ah, yeah. Y’all feelin that? Yeah, it’s getting hot in here ain’t it? It kind of reminds me… Earlier this week… I live with a dog named Chaos. And here’s a dog that can pimp it mad hard. I’m tellin you, he rolls up to any female dog out there and she’s got nothin. Just the other day, he’s roamin around Mission Hill up at our old keyboard player Adam Beamer’s House – Beam Diddy. That’s right. He’s roamin around. He hasn’t been neutered so he’s still got the balls. He’s looking for some action, you know what I’m sayin? He wants some booty. So he’s runnin around Mission Hill. He ends up on Folsom. Comes up to John’s house who owns a real, sweet lookin dog named Princess. man in the crowd yells, "Yeah, Princess, baby. Awww!" That’s right. And you know somethin was brewin ‘cause he walked right up to Princess - sniffed her ass like it was his job. And she did the same. And you knew it was love. Yeah. So, it started heatin up. Things started getting heavy. Chaos knew what to do. He put them cute, two little paws right up on her back and gave her the best seven second of pleasure she’s ever had. And soon enough, we’re gonna have some little Chaoses runnin around. But you know why he got that lucky? ‘Cause he put on his Booty Boots. And you can get that lucky too if you just put ‘em on. So I want y’all to put ‘em on. Put on them boots baby! 02/12/05 Big City: Allston, MA So it was just Valentine's Day as I'm sure all of you know. Everyone's off somewhere with their "significant other" this evening which is why it's great that you chose to come and drown your sorry asses with us. It reminds me of a story though. Just last night I was at the bar and this girl came up to me and asked if she could come home with me. So naturally I obliged. But she said only under one condition. I asked what that would be and she said only if her friend could come too. Having no qualms, I invited them back to my place. However, before we even got it on, the second girl said that she would only be willing to get it on if her friend could come over. So about 15 minutes later her friend arrives. However, that friend wouldn't agree to sex until I agreed to let her friend come as well. So about 15 minutes goes by and her friend comes knocking at the door. This routine continued for about 2 hours at which point I'm surrounded by 105 girls. Then I began to get a little worried. How in the world was I going to be able to have sex with all these girls in one night? So I called Andrew Cass's mom knowing that she had sex with hundreds of girls in her day. I got her on the phone and said, "Hey Dru, I've got all these girls at my crib tonight and I don't know if I can handle them all." She said, "No problem," promptly arrived at my door seven minutes later, and had sex with each and every one of them for me. 11/26/04 Starlight Lounge: Waitsfield, VT see "Original Spoken Verse" at bottom of this page 10/16/04 Capo's: Lowell, MA I was on one those online dating websites the other day. I don't remember which one, something to do with Boston. So I find this girl on the page. She had no picture but I was looking for someone that was into baseball. She seemed cool so I sent her an email. I got a reply that said she really dug baseball and that she lived down in the southwestern part of Connecticut. Now this is Greenwich, where all the real rich people live. Nothing against rich people, but a lot of famous people live there too. I planned a trip to go down and meet her but before I could even get to my car, she called me up. She sounded pretty sexy - a real soft, effeminate voice. I was pretty psyched. She wanted to meet me at Yankee Stadium. Now I'm not too hot on the Yankees, but considering they were playing the Red Sox, I went ahead with it. So I got down to the stadium and called her up. She said that I would need to be escourted in by security because apparently she was someone real high up on the ladder for the Yankees. So get ushered in and I'm lead all the way until I'm just outside the bullpen. I was pretty psyched. Maybe she was someone really important. Then from behind me, I hear this familiar, real effeminate, soft voice say hello. I turned around AND IT WAS ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!! (chorus referenced "Gay-Rod," "A-Hole," and "Fuck the Yankees.") 10/01/04 Starlight Lounge: Waitsfield, VT So, on the way up here, LaQuin got a little lost. He was running late and stopped by the side of the road to get some directions. Nobody drove by and so Quin decided to walk into the woods a bit and see if he could find any help there. He ran across a bird and asked it how he could get to Waitsfield. The bird replied, "I'd love to help you man, but I just met this fine-ass cardinal down the way and we were just about to get it on, so I've got to run. If you walk down the trail a little further there's a rabbit who can help you out." So Quin walked a little further down the trail and sure enough, there was a bunny hanging out in the clearing. Quin asked the rabbit if he knew how to get to Waitsfield. The rabbit replied, "I'd love to help you man, but I just met this fine piece of ass down the way and we were just about to get it on, so I've got to run. If you walk down the trail a little further you might be able to find someone who can help you out." Dejected, Quin trudged on further into the wood until he came upon Mike Stavitz who was also lost on his way to the gig. So Quin asked Mike if he had any idea how to get to Waitsfield. Mike replied, "Hey man, I'd love to help you out, but I just met this fine-ass rabbit down the way and we were just about to get it on so I've got run." 09/17/04 Trabant University Center @ U of Delaware: Newark, DE A little earlier, I was getting some lunch right over there at the food court and I decided to pick up a salad. So first I grabbed a bowl and headed for the greens. I grabbed hold of the tongs and put them deep, deep into the bin, looking for the hottest lettuce I could manage. I slowly pulled out the tongs and held a dripping wet piece of romaine but its tip. And by wet, I mean this lettuce was crazy wet. Wettest lettuce I'd ever touched. So I piled a few more pieces on, and headed for the dressing. I rolled up slow and got a nice firm grip on the hard plastic ladle in front of me. They had ranch, blue cheese, and thousand island, but I wanted the cream. So I plunged the ladle down so deep into the vat of cream, you barely see the handle. I pulled it out nice and slow and drizzled that cream all over every inch of my salad. There was cream on the counter, on my tray, it just went everywhere. I wasn't quite done yet. I needed one more thing to make my salad complete. I looked past the croutons and breadcrumbs all the way to the end of the aisle - to the spice rack. Damn, this was going to be the spiciest salad ever made. As if it wasn't already the sexiest salad, it was now the spiciest as well. I dumped on the salt, the cumin, the pepper, the thyme, you name it, this salad was the bomb. I returned to my seat and got ready to dig in. I pierced a tasty leaf and put it deep, deep into my mouth. The cream ran down my chin, all over the floor. Damn that shit was good. 07/22/04 Oasis Cafe: New Paltz, NY I was on my way up to the gig and when I reached the tollbooth at the New Paltz exit, I realized that I didn't have enough dough to pay the toll. This old woman was working the booth and I explained my situation. She seemed unimpressed and it appeared there was only one solution to the problem - we had to get it on. Now this lady had been on a long-ass shift and it didn't smell too good in there. And plus, she was very, very overweight and reeked of gin. Never one to shy away from a debt owed, I gave her a hell of a ride. Sure, her plastic curlers poked me in the eyes a few times. Being the road warrior that I am, I was no stranger to such an encounter. Given in the past the ladies were not nearly as greasy, but hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do right? So we wrapped it up and I put my belt back on. I can't say it was great but she did let me slide on the toll and I made it to the gig on time. 02/18/04 Lizard Lounge: Cambridge, MA Ah, so that's how it's gonna be tonight. We're gonna rock it out for y'all. I figure I've got some explaining to do here. What the hell are are booty boots anyway, right? So it all started back in the day, right? My man's walkin' around. It's Valentine's Day. It's right around this time. He was gettin' no booty. He was just not gettin' any ass. And he's like, "Damn, what do i gotta do?" And back in the day there was no Valentine's Day. So he was like, "Here, I got an idea. We'll make a day where everyone's gonna get laid." So he's like... so he's like, "I'm gonna make this day - it's called Valentine's Day." His name was Valentino and he was like, "Alright, today's Valentine's Day." Sure enough, the day comes; everyone gets laid. It's a great night, you know? All sorts of pussy and ass hangin' out, you know? So, he's like, "Hey, this is cool and all but, you know what, it's only one day of the year. I gotta wait 364 more days until I get to have this day again." So he's like, "What am I gonna do?" So he called up Arcoda. Back then it was a completely different lineup. This is like 1800 B.C. but they were still rockin'. So they came out. And he was like, "Oh, everytime I wanna get laid I'll call up this band," right? And they played this tune, you know? And so that went pretty good. But then the ladies started gettin' sick of the song because he'd play the same one every time. It just wasn't workin' for him no more. So he had to figure out something that was gonna go long term, you know? So he went to the wizard in the town. He was like, "Yo, Wiz, what's the deal? I need somethin' long term here." So he hooked him up with these boots - fine leather boots, with big wool rims on the outside, all shined up nice with a buckle on top. And the ladies were like... they couldn't resist. Everytime he put those boots on it just was not a problem for him. But you know, eventually the boots went the way of the dodo and we don't know what ever happened to them. But I did find the sheet music to that song in a... some barrel out in back of some bar I passed out in back of last week. So I decided I'd play it for you guys tonight so that everyone in this room is gonna get laid tonight. We're gonna bring this tune back. So if you guys can sing "booty boots" with us on this next chorus here, everyone's gonna get some tonight. You know what I'm sayin'? So here it comes. Alright. 10/24/02 The Tap: Boston, MA Ah baby, sometimes when I'm all alone, ah, I just can't stop thinkin' about you girl. Know what I'm saying? The way your red locks just fall down upon your face, ah, you know? Yup. Sometimes, when I think about you when you're with you're boyfriend all the time, it really makes me sad. It's about doin' what you what you need to stay together baby. Yup. Which is why I just have one thing to say to you: We just gotta stay together. That's right. 'Cause there's only one way baby. I think I know... I think I know that you know what way that is girl. And it's just like this. You just gotta put 'em on. You just gotta put 'em on. Put 'em on baby. Come on put 'em on. Put 'em on! 03/19/02 Lizard Lounge: Cambridge, MA see "Original Spoken Verse" at bottom of this page 01/16/02 Bill's Bar: Boston, MA MC Kabir and Toussaint both freestyled over the "story" section. Original Spoken Verse You see baby You've just got to forget about all those things I said about you girl I know I called you a thrift shop ho And said that your breasts look like deflated basketballs But baby I still love you Your sweet lips And the touch of your booty on my face in the morning Ahh, I just can't forget you And the next time you're pissin' on another man's chest I know you're gonna be thinkin' of me And I'll be thinkin' of you too girl So you see We just got to stay together That's the only way return to setlists page